Random Musings of an Unfit Human

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Your Daily Blaspheme

Below is a conversation by email that a friend of mine and I had. A 3rd guy had asked a question about difficulty in joining a game of Desert Combat, and my sarcasm took over. Enjoy.

Gary -
I always log in to your IP, and I could not do it this past weekend. Chris had the same problem. It said this IP was unavailable???? I was able to login onto other peoples servers, so that was really weird. Anyway, I'll be in this Friday, and maybe even Saturday. What should I do if I have this problem again this week????

Joe -
If first you don’t succeed try, try again?

Kelly -
Rather than try again, I find prayer to be both spiritually fulfilling and rewarding. It is much better, in my ever so humble opinion, to ask some omniscient, omnipotent, incorporeal being to do things for me than to actually make the effort to try a second time what has already failed.

The real question is to whom do I offer my prayers...I have tried each of the various modern religious pantheons with very limited success, plus a few unorthodox choices like the ancient Greek/Roman gods, a few Egyptian man/dog deities, my Lord Jack Daniels, and even the Sun. My observations have been that I get the best results when I pray to my spouse. She actually seems to have the ability to grant or deny my requests, and while she can be a wrathful, vengeful god I have hope that some day she will actually be the benevolent force I have heard others find in their spiritual focus. Plus she doesn't have any 2,000 year old books that I have to read, I only have to watch a few Meg Ryan flicks once in a while.

Yes, the sarcasm is thick in me today. If any of the above offended you, you are welcome to seek your revenge on my virtual self this weekend.

Joe -
Far be it for me not to share my opinion about my invisible friend.

Like you I tried many other pantheons to find my spiritual focus, I have even tried the not so “well” known ones like The Old Ones, Cuthulu, and Bob. But I have personally found that not only prayer but offerings are needed to appease most “invisible” friends. I have had marginal success with slaughtering various herd animals and then burning them to appease said “friend”; How ever it is very messy, and some neighbors have some really strange hang-ups about it. I did try your method in the past Kelly, but it seems that it can get out of control. I have had this happen and now I have Satan’s daughter plaguing me until the end of time or my son turns eighteen (which ever comes first), so I would advise caution.

Kelly -
Sure, I can commiserate with your problems trying to find the correct offering. Herd animals have a number of inherent difficulties, of which the mess is only a portion. For one thing, do you know how difficult it is to find a health wildebeest in Columbus? Not so easy. I fear I may never be allowed in the Columbus Zoo again after last summer's "incident". I don't know why those kids were crying, I tried to explain that it was all part of the "circle of life" like in the Lion King, but...sorry, I got off topic.

I personally feel the somewhat clichéd virgin offering to hold some promise, but if you think finding a wildebeest in Columbus is difficult, try finding an 18 year old virgin! You would think I was searching for the Holy Grail. And then you have the FBI all over you, parents asking questions, clothing to dispose of...it just all become more of a hassle than it is worth. Plus the wife got fed up with trying to scrub the stains off of our kitchen island. I tried to tell her that it wasn't a counter top, it was my Altar of the Almighty Yum Cimil of Ancient Maya, but she told me to stop acting like a child and to take off the black robe. Do I ever stand the path of her personal spiritual journey? No way.

But I do appreciate the warning, Mr.. LaRocco

Joe -
I have had no success with wildebeest myself, I mean man that’s a lot of blood and WOW do you really need a really large fire pit. Not to mention how much the fire department looks down on it, I really think they have no sensitivity to one’s pursuit of spiritual guidance.

As to the other topic all I have to say is….Mail Order. But even that has it’s problems, sure they “say” your getting a virgin, but how do you really know? You don’t, at least not until it’s too late, and then you have a really pissed off “omniscient, omnipotent, incorporeal being”. I will tell you once that happens, it is a real mess. It took me weeks to get the spirit out of my daughter….man for someone so small she can really pack a punch, but thank our maker she can’t stand up to Mr. Baseball Bat for very long.

But I do guess that I have one advantage that you don’t, my “family” has always helped me out after a day of prayer.

Kelly -
With all of the hassles, I sometimes wonder why we go through it all. Finding the right god, figuring out how to please him/her/it/them, cleaning up the mess, having those daily hyper-colonics; sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be easier to just become one of those atheistic "I know it all" "there's no meaning in it" and "we are all just worm food" jerks.

Joe -
We do it because we care. With out religion the social structure would collapse and there would be total anarchy. With out religion we wouldn’t have any moral guidance and we would go on killing spree’s, burning things with no reason, and all around be really bad people. It is our religion that separates us from the heathen bastards that will burn in hell for their ignorance and reluctance to see it our way. It’s is our duty to help these morally wrong and stupid people to see the light, and accept out way of thinking because we know that only we are right and with the proper techniques and correctly applied psychology we can convert them like sheep (note: perhaps this is the proper “herd” animal to use…..but I digress). So it comes down to our deep and sincere caring for all forms of life, that’s way we continue down the path of enlightenment.

Kelly -
Without religion would we also be "with out" compound words?

I like your new idea on "herd" animals, but it brings you back to that age old problem. Have you ever noticed how offerings are always of young girls, goats, old cows and bunnies? When was the last time you heard of someone trying to offer a tiger? A grizzly bear? A great white shark? Maybe that is what has caused our lack of a proper response from our prayers...we are going for the easy way out. Maybe we need to offer a greater gift, something really impressive...like pissed off gorilla with a raging case of leprosy and a sever bipolar disorder. THAT might get someone's attention. But again, I really don't feel like doing all of that work.

I know...I'll pray for it!
|| Kelly O'Connor, 11:59 AM


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