Random Musings of an Unfit Human

Tech. Life. Politics. Philosophy. Fun. Entertainment. Nothing is considered off topic here. But be warned, just like life, this isn't sanitized, Disney-ized, or prettified.

5.30.2004

Don't rain on my parade...

We are prepping right now for our yearly Memorial Day party, but it looks like there is rain in the forecast. That sucks. All these people cooped up in our house is going to be tight and not as fun as it might have been. Now I get to grill out in the garage, which is always a good time. Nothing like burning the house down for a few burgers.
|| Kelly O'Connor, 9:43 AM || link || (0) comments

5.28.2004

Why not chopsticks while you are at it?

Over at Easton there is a new eatery, Belgian Iron Works which specializes in not just Waffles, nay not even just Dessert Waffles, but delightful Waffles on a Stick. Yes, they take a hot, crispy yet soft waffle, drench it in chocolate or caramel, cover it nuts and glaze, and then mount is on a thin piece of wood (I had no intention of writing porn, but that is sure what this looks like). They then hand you this odd amalgam of sugar and flour impaled on a tongue depressor and expect you to get orgasmic over the result. Now I will fully admit that the actual confection is simply amazing to taste. And when watching my cousin Molly eat a caramel apple waffle, I will admit that the possibility is great that she did actually have an orgasm.

But the greater question is why the hell did they feel the need to mount this food on a stick? In isn't that I am anti-food-on-a-stick; as a matter of fact I think the world would be a better place if more trees died to increase our eating convenience. I would like to see all sorts of wood-mounted foods out there; if I could get my morning coffee mounted on a stick I would, but I don't see how to reheat it in the microwave very well. How about a Big Mac on a stick? Hell, soup on a stick. Or, this is a good one, freeze pudding and put it on a stick. Then get Bill Cosby to pitch it! You could even move into other realms of food related items, like the various religious foodstuffs...do you see where I am going with this? Yep. Chocolate Jesus on a Stick! Nothing like a candy crucifixion to ease your munchies! Or would that be snack-religious? (Respects to Joe for that last pun)

But a gooey, chocolate covered waffle isn't really tailor made for mounting. Let me give you a quick play-by-play of eating one of these delights. Step One: You are handed the waffle. Step Two: You are covered head to foot in sloppy chocolate shit. That about covers it. Perhaps we could come up with a better method of serving these...like 5 gallon buckets to catch all of the goo that comes screaming off in waves the moment someone not in a Belgian Iron Works apron touches the demon possessed thing.

But damn are they good.
|| Kelly O'Connor, 10:32 AM || link || (0) comments

Rance

Rance is theoretically some big Hollywood insider (rumors include Jim Carey, Owen Wilson, Ben Afflek) who dishes about the "real Hollywood". As always, my skepticism knows no bounds. He has some interesting stuff on his blog, but not so much that couldn't easily be faked.
|| Kelly O'Connor, 7:50 AM || link || (0) comments

5.27.2004

WTF?

Let's talk about Cussing. Why? Because it has been on my mind for a while what with the draconian steps the FCC has been implementing lately, some of the conversations that have sprung up got me a thinking, pondering even, about curse words.

So if I say "eat shit," can we all agree that that is considered rude and inappropriate? For instance, in the newspaper, it may say "eat $*W&", which in theory makes it ok. In a comic strip, they might say "eat poo-poo", which is certainly better. But is it really? In any of the above examples you are commanding someone to ingest human (I assume) stool. How can any one of those be better or worse than the other? It is the thought, the meaning, that carries the power. Why is it that if I put the letter "s" in front of the word "hit" suddenly it is a terrible concept? Yet I can say "crap" "dung" "feces" or "number 2" all day long and it is either inoffensive or sometimes even cute.

So if on the radio, you are listening to your favorite morning show and someone spills coffee on the control panel and says "shit". The FCC comes rolling in and can fine them a staggering $500,000. Yet if they say something seemingly innocuous like "crap" or even the slightly stronger "damn," it is all just fine and dandy. WHY!? Either way, they are saying something with the same general meaning, just changing the choice of word. Fuck that.

Freakin' is no better than Fuckin'. Shoot DOES equal Shit. Shucky Dern, Holy Gehozaphit, or Son of a Gun. Those aren't anything better than their more graphic counterpart.

Hey, just stop trying to falsely sanitize the world. If you hit your thumb with a hammer, drop a small car on your foot, or accidentally start thermo-nuclear war, I think saying "fuck" is quite appropriate.
|| Kelly O'Connor, 8:51 PM || link || (1) comments

The Zen of Blogging

So I've gone nuts with 5 posts in the first few hours of the existence of this little world and I have come to some realizations. First off, this seems to be for MY entertainment, rather than anyone else's. I don't know how anyone else will ever find this place unless they go off of the link on my home page. That will even be tough seeing how my site is down right now while I work to upgrade it from craptastic to merely terrible.

Side Note > When looking through IMDB's Bottom 100 Films of all Time I noticed something quite distressing. Both Bolero and Tarzan the Ape Man are in the bottom 50 of all time. Having been a boy in the 80's, I feel that ANY film in which Bo Derek appears should automatically get a respectable score.

Back on topic...

Anyway, if someone blogs on a page and no one ever sees it, did he really blog at all?
|| Kelly O'Connor, 5:33 PM || link || (0) comments

Whoa...


The Greatest. Picture. Evar. Posted by Hello

Taken at the 2003 Fiesta Bowl (Ohio State vs. Miami), this is just incredible. I had to get some OSU stuff up here at some point, right?
|| Kelly O'Connor, 1:07 PM || link || (0) comments

The Hill's Sex Diarist Reveals All (Well, Some) (washingtonpost.com)

The Hill's Sex Diarist Reveals All (Well, Some) (washingtonpost.com): "First off, her name is Jessica Cutler. She's 24, holds a bachelor's degree in international relations from Syracuse University, once aspired to be a journalist and says she is not ashamed in the least of her behavior. 'Everything is true,' Cutler told us in an interview. 'It's so cliched. It's like, 'There's a slutty girl on the Hill?' There's millions of 'em,' she said, laughing. 'A lot of my friends are way worse than me.'"

Hmm...sex in DC? Say it ain't so, Joe! Actually this story is what got me to look into starting my own blog finally. I figure if it is good enough for wanna-be government-employed prostitutes, it is good enough for me!

The better question is why haven't some of the serious mud raking sites reported on this? Oh, that's right, Senator DeWine is part of the GOP.
|| Kelly O'Connor, 12:28 PM || link || (0) comments

Your Daily Blaspheme

Below is a conversation by email that a friend of mine and I had. A 3rd guy had asked a question about difficulty in joining a game of Desert Combat, and my sarcasm took over. Enjoy.

Gary -
I always log in to your IP, and I could not do it this past weekend. Chris had the same problem. It said this IP was unavailable???? I was able to login onto other peoples servers, so that was really weird. Anyway, I'll be in this Friday, and maybe even Saturday. What should I do if I have this problem again this week????


Joe -
If first you don’t succeed try, try again?


Kelly -
Rather than try again, I find prayer to be both spiritually fulfilling and rewarding. It is much better, in my ever so humble opinion, to ask some omniscient, omnipotent, incorporeal being to do things for me than to actually make the effort to try a second time what has already failed.

The real question is to whom do I offer my prayers...I have tried each of the various modern religious pantheons with very limited success, plus a few unorthodox choices like the ancient Greek/Roman gods, a few Egyptian man/dog deities, my Lord Jack Daniels, and even the Sun. My observations have been that I get the best results when I pray to my spouse. She actually seems to have the ability to grant or deny my requests, and while she can be a wrathful, vengeful god I have hope that some day she will actually be the benevolent force I have heard others find in their spiritual focus. Plus she doesn't have any 2,000 year old books that I have to read, I only have to watch a few Meg Ryan flicks once in a while.

Yes, the sarcasm is thick in me today. If any of the above offended you, you are welcome to seek your revenge on my virtual self this weekend.


Joe -
Far be it for me not to share my opinion about my invisible friend.

Like you I tried many other pantheons to find my spiritual focus, I have even tried the not so “well” known ones like The Old Ones, Cuthulu, and Bob. But I have personally found that not only prayer but offerings are needed to appease most “invisible” friends. I have had marginal success with slaughtering various herd animals and then burning them to appease said “friend”; How ever it is very messy, and some neighbors have some really strange hang-ups about it. I did try your method in the past Kelly, but it seems that it can get out of control. I have had this happen and now I have Satan’s daughter plaguing me until the end of time or my son turns eighteen (which ever comes first), so I would advise caution.


Kelly -
Sure, I can commiserate with your problems trying to find the correct offering. Herd animals have a number of inherent difficulties, of which the mess is only a portion. For one thing, do you know how difficult it is to find a health wildebeest in Columbus? Not so easy. I fear I may never be allowed in the Columbus Zoo again after last summer's "incident". I don't know why those kids were crying, I tried to explain that it was all part of the "circle of life" like in the Lion King, but...sorry, I got off topic.

I personally feel the somewhat clichéd virgin offering to hold some promise, but if you think finding a wildebeest in Columbus is difficult, try finding an 18 year old virgin! You would think I was searching for the Holy Grail. And then you have the FBI all over you, parents asking questions, clothing to dispose of...it just all become more of a hassle than it is worth. Plus the wife got fed up with trying to scrub the stains off of our kitchen island. I tried to tell her that it wasn't a counter top, it was my Altar of the Almighty Yum Cimil of Ancient Maya, but she told me to stop acting like a child and to take off the black robe. Do I ever stand the path of her personal spiritual journey? No way.

But I do appreciate the warning, Mr.. LaRocco


Joe -
I have had no success with wildebeest myself, I mean man that’s a lot of blood and WOW do you really need a really large fire pit. Not to mention how much the fire department looks down on it, I really think they have no sensitivity to one’s pursuit of spiritual guidance.

As to the other topic all I have to say is….Mail Order. But even that has it’s problems, sure they “say” your getting a virgin, but how do you really know? You don’t, at least not until it’s too late, and then you have a really pissed off “omniscient, omnipotent, incorporeal being”. I will tell you once that happens, it is a real mess. It took me weeks to get the spirit out of my daughter….man for someone so small she can really pack a punch, but thank our maker she can’t stand up to Mr. Baseball Bat for very long.

But I do guess that I have one advantage that you don’t, my “family” has always helped me out after a day of prayer.


Kelly -
With all of the hassles, I sometimes wonder why we go through it all. Finding the right god, figuring out how to please him/her/it/them, cleaning up the mess, having those daily hyper-colonics; sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be easier to just become one of those atheistic "I know it all" "there's no meaning in it" and "we are all just worm food" jerks.


Joe -
We do it because we care. With out religion the social structure would collapse and there would be total anarchy. With out religion we wouldn’t have any moral guidance and we would go on killing spree’s, burning things with no reason, and all around be really bad people. It is our religion that separates us from the heathen bastards that will burn in hell for their ignorance and reluctance to see it our way. It’s is our duty to help these morally wrong and stupid people to see the light, and accept out way of thinking because we know that only we are right and with the proper techniques and correctly applied psychology we can convert them like sheep (note: perhaps this is the proper “herd” animal to use…..but I digress). So it comes down to our deep and sincere caring for all forms of life, that’s way we continue down the path of enlightenment.


Kelly -
Without religion would we also be "with out" compound words?

I like your new idea on "herd" animals, but it brings you back to that age old problem. Have you ever noticed how offerings are always of young girls, goats, old cows and bunnies? When was the last time you heard of someone trying to offer a tiger? A grizzly bear? A great white shark? Maybe that is what has caused our lack of a proper response from our prayers...we are going for the easy way out. Maybe we need to offer a greater gift, something really impressive...like pissed off gorilla with a raging case of leprosy and a sever bipolar disorder. THAT might get someone's attention. But again, I really don't feel like doing all of that work.

I know...I'll pray for it!
|| Kelly O'Connor, 11:59 AM || link || (0) comments

So now what?

Well, here we are. I've created this blog with some serious delusions of grandeur, thinking that others actually want to know my day-to-day, moment-to-moment, thoughts. It is an usual form of arrogance...taking the personal diary concept and putting it online for the world to see. So, what do I do with this virtual space? I am planning on putting up some semi-random thoughts, links, and just the sort of thing that appeals to my odd brand of humor.

A few caveats:
1) These are my thoughts, not yours. I may say something you disagree with, use language you do not approve of, or somehow behave like an ass. That's my choice. If you don't like it, I would suggest you use that little "x" in the upper right corner of this window and all of your problems will go away. You can also feel free to add comments below my posts. I do not intend to ever delete any comments, unless it is just some trolling asshat, so comment away.

2) DO use the comment section. I am curious about who is looking at this page, what they think, and why the hell they don't get a hobby instead of looking at my useless crap.

3. The Nazis at the FCC have yet figured out how to censor free speech on the Internet, so do not expect this to conform to any local standards of decency. I do not go out of my way to be crude, but I somehow usually find myself ending up there. Go figure.

So, where are we going to go on this journey? Damned if I know, but you are welcome to come along for the ride. I make no promises about the destination or duration of the voyage, only that it may be fun.

So sit back, strap yourself in, and find a good station on the radio.
|| Kelly O'Connor, 11:43 AM || link || (0) comments